Detention Essays
by Glastea
Summary: The teachers have run out of good ideas...
1. The Parchment Begins

**Detention Essays**

A/N- Yes, well, the teachers finally ran out of imaginative punishments to give the Marauders, so were reduced to giving them essays. These are a sample of the many that were written throughout their fifth, sixth, and seventh years. To give me some entertainment, we'll start with Sirius….

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Task: Write a 1000 word essay on why engorgement charms should never be used for entertainment purposes- Prof. M. McGonagall.

Dearie me, Professor. Have I finally got the better of you, so you've sunk this low- an essay? That's bad, even for you. I would have thought you could come up with something better. Any way, onto the subject matter…

Since some people weren't there to see the finished product of my hard work, the engorgement charm in question was only used to swell up said subject's feet, and it was very amusing. Who wouldn't want to see someone looking like a greasy, hook-nosed, smurf?

Engorgement charms, however, are risky. There is a chance that the charms could miss- hitting an undesirable target, or even go wrong, causing another effect that wasn't quite so hilarious. But, admittedly, there is the same chance with any spell, potion, in fact, any other mischief making implement. The engorgement charm, actually, has less chance of being effective, seeing as I've been casting it for years properly.

On the other hand; the engorgement charm could also affect more than the designated target- Snivelly's whole body could have swelled, not just his feet. This has more of a shock factor than laughter, depending on how the subject reacts to their condition and the size they swell to.

Still, there is a chance that the charm could backfire, especially when done in a crowded corridor. Luckily, when I got our greasy little friend, he was inadequately prepared- he was protecting his body, not his feet (by now, I would have thought he'd recognise the threat I pose to his dignity), so was caught out ever so slightly by my fiendish greatness- as with many of our unsuspecting victims.

But, never mind about our targeting skill- which was perfect, as usual, I hasten to add. Engorgement charms can also be dangerous because the engorged person could swing out and harm one or more of my comrades- depending on which bit of them swelled.

There are, however, several other, simpler spells that we could have used in a combination attack to get our victim. Said group of spells would be easier to assure success, as if one failed, at least you'd have the other three working their magic, assuring laugh to cheer up everyone's day- except Snivellus, but who really cares about him?

The impact would be, though, that all of the Marauders would be in the pit, and it's always easier to keep at least two out of detention at one time to initiate more mayhem whilst the others are indisposed. Stuck in a room with a grouchy professor who doesn't want to be there, and if they'd let their student go it would mean a happier time for everyone concerned… (Hint hint).

But, back on topic again, the risk factor is one of the things that makes it exciting to use charms such as this to increase the enjoyment of the school day. I mean, we wouldn't get anywhere without it- school is so ordinary and boring; something has to brighten it up somewhat. But, then again, this comes from someone who's known about magic since they were born- it might be more interesting from a muggle-born's point of view. That's a point actually… remind me to write it down…

Right, run out of ideas…. Dum de dum de doo…. Ah. That's it. Instead of the engorgement charm- which is slightly quicker, we could have used a swelling solution. It would have taken longer, but hey, keep the fans on their toes, you know? Can't give them a fixed routine, or they'll get bored. It's more practical to be spontaneous, but sometimes, patience is everything- we like to keep the students and the teachers, for that matter, on tenterhooks to see what splendiferous trick we're going to pull off next. The target is always the same, plus we've done nearly everything we can to humiliate him now- but we've got another two years left, so I'm sure we're not going to run out of ideas any time soon.

A quick word count before we continue- altogether, plus this paragraph, we're at 679 words. Not bad, eh?

Another disadvantage to the engorgement charm is the time it takes to wear off. It can be removed in seconds, unlike the swelling solution- which takes 2-3 hours to eradicate from your system. But, you can't have everything. Quick recovery time just means that you have less time to think of a comeback action- but the more on the spot, the better, in my opinion. Also, the quicker you do the prank, the more time you have to run.

Well, thank you for this opportunity, Professor McGonagall. I didn't think it would come to much at first, I mean, sitting in your office for two hours? Wasted time, definitely. However, on reflection, I've got an awful lot of planning done for our next; shall we call it an excursion?

This has also given me time to evaluate my last, brilliant, scheme- up the pros and cons, which I've never had a chance to do. I should do this way more often! Maybe then I'd be able to re use different ideas, after making them better! Oh yes! We're going to get somewhere in the world, Sirius! Hang on, I'm talking to myself- this can't be good.

Since I've gone completely off topic now, I'm going to continue on this tangent and make a suggestion- Minnie, slack off a bit! Don't make me stay here for the rest of the evening! I have a life to lead, people to humiliate, friends to laugh at, generally- I have a life to lead and this is making it progress.

Whoops- nearly forgot about concluding the actual punishmenty thing. Engorgement charms shouldn't be used for entertainment purposes because there are so many other spells, hexes, curses, jinxes and potions which can be used to better effect, with less of a failure rate, whilst having much more of a surprise and manic outcomes.

Oh, stuff this. I'll just leave it here. There's about enough words.

(Teacher's note: As Mr. Black didn't complete his essay- there are only 999 words, he will be remaining in detention for the rest of the month- Professor M. McGonagall.)


	2. Another Joke, Another Essay

**Detention Essays**

A/N: We know the drill, but this time, it's James in the spotlight! Thanks for the reviews I received (didn't expect any!) any recommendations to improve are well received!

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Task: Write a 1000 word essay on why Filibuster's Wet-Start Fireworks should not be thrown into cauldrons full of potion- Professor H. Slughorn.

Wow- my first punishment essay. They've finally run out of painfully funny ways to 'punish' us for our 'wrongdoing'.

Hmmm… an interesting proposition. OK, I was the one who threw the firework (with perfect aim, I must add) into Snivelly's cauldron, but really, I was doing him a favour. I mean, it showed him that his potion worked, and also alerting him to the length of his nose. Lily did slap me, but hey, I can't have everything…. Including her…

Anyway, a sad after-effect of this joke was that several people I like (including Lily's best friend…) got covered in potion too. Luckily, none of the marauders were hurt, each having the foresight to protect ourselves beforehand.

I cannot believe I've got to write 1000 words of this junk. I mean, I'm not particularly sorry for my behaviour. Why should I be? It gave the four of us a great piece of entertainment, plus a story to tell those who will live on the marauder legend- Pronglet, Paddy, Minimoon and Wormie (yes, we're working on those two), who else will continue causing havoc, merriment and good memories? No one as good as us, that's who, unless we keep it in the family.

But, back onto topic- or not. Sirius said this was a brilliant way to evaluate your most recent 'diversion'. Admittedly, we could have made a barrier to stop the potion harming anyone else but our slimy faced gi- whoops, can't rub that out now I've started.

Maybe we could have improved our method of propulsion- I mean, what if I had somehow managed to miss? It would have done nothing for our reputation as the best mischief-makers around- maybe it would have been better to enchant the cauldron beforehand, and make it explode at precisely the right moment. However, that would have taken a trip to the library to find- and Marauders don't do libraries. I think the last time I set foot in there was to find Lily and ask the question again… before being shooed out for making too much noise.

But, with the things we (or Moony, more precisely) can do, we do them the best. Maybe it would be easier to protect only certain people, not everyone. For instance, certain teachers who have me in torture here thinking of what to write will get the full blast, after the intended victim, of course. In fact, this could have stopped other mishaps in previous prank episodes- for instance, the one where Lily was hit by those bewitched snowballs…

But, there are also downsides t protecting certain people, especially if they are ear the designated target. The spell could stretch and protect them too, a waste of effort and time that could be better spent.

Or, maybe putting a firework into the mix isn't the best idea. Perhaps an ingredient not in the potion that would cause combustion- it would require improvisation, but we can do that, any time. Some of our best manoeuvres are done on the hoof, with no prompting. Just us, the mystic hilarity mojo, and a certain greasy individual to target. We do some of our best material spontaneously, but then, that's more Padfoot's department. I'm more of the marvellous 'Second in command, who manipulates the joke to greatness with Padfoot, as Wormtail and Moony distract effortlessly- making another piece of Hogwarts history'. If only Lily would see that….

Yes, as you can see, I don't want Lily to get hurt. In fact, I'd probably stop Marauding if she went out with me… I'd be in so much heaven I wouldn't need to take all dignity from Snivellus. That's how love works, you see- oh, and her eyes! They could stop me in a second, their emerald sparkle blocking my sight in a matter of milliseconds…

But, I won't let that get in the way of having fun at another person's expense, oh no! Another thing about this certain prank is that the firework could go off accidentally at any point. Although that would be amusing in its own right, I'm sure no one wants to see my beautiful face getting ruined any time soon. It would be a disaster for mankind.

Also, maybe a different type of firework could have been more effective. A Catherine wheel, for instance, would have flown better, have whipped the potion around more of the class, or even, a roman candle would have made its way around the room with a nice effect. As it was (as you probably realised) I used a screamer, which made everyone cringe, so I have no regrets.

Also, although we wanted to get the trick done, we could have waited for another day, with another potion. Although none of us could wait after the idea was had (one of Wormtail's finest moments), say, if we'd been able to hold the thought until we'd had, say, aging potion that could have been amusing. Snivellus with a greasy beard… how oddly satisfying.

But, any way, swelling solution was still entertaining- for us anyway, so we made the right choice. What would have happened if we'd chosen a day when making Felix Felicis, for instance? The effects would have been disasterous- who wants to see the target unable to do wrong for however long? It would be a catastrophe, no less- a complete and utter failure to our long record of success.

There. 906 words now- only 94 to go!

In conclusion, I believe that there are a lot of factors that could be a problem with throwing a firework into a cauldron, as I demonstrated above. However, the most likely conclusion to the event is success- seeing as I couldn't possibly miss, the potion and firework were aesthetic, plus the victim was standing in the right place to get completely covered in said potion (namely, as you and the class well know, swelling solution), hence making the prank more successful. The only problem was, afterwards, Lily slapped me. I only asked her out again- she says I'm an egotistical, heartless sod, and then proceeds to put a bruise on my cheek (admittedly though, it does bring out my cheekbones…) Lily, my love, I know this is affection expressed in a strange way, but do not worry. Your behaviour doesn't marr you in any way and one day, you will realise there is a three letter word called 'yes'.

JP 4 LE

(Teachers note- for going completely off topic, Mr Potter will be in detention with Mr Black for the next two weeks- H. Slughorn)


	3. The Prefect Point of View

**Detention Essays**

A/N- Yes, a new one this fast. I needed to cheer myself up, and felt it would be better to have some comic relief than swallow myself in angst. Here's Lupin for you.

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Task- write a 1000 word essay on why, as a perfect, you should always stop certain individuals before they go too far- Professor McGonagall.

Well, this is a new one. I have been warned about these dreadful things, so will try and keep up tradition as much as I can.

Cetain individuals (and yes, I realise who you mean, Professor) possibly should be stopped before they get too far by me and others, quite simply, because you can't take it any more. Yes, I'm insinuating that, after four years, you can't take Padfoot and Prongs as a pair. There are some quite simple reasons for this hypothesis, which I wil state for you now:

P and P have always been a problem, but as they've aged and become even better Marauders, you've aged and can't move quick enough to catch them.

Our skill combined, however, is much more than the teachers combined can take. The idea that I, as a prefect, can restrain them was a fantasy you clung onto in forlorn hope that maybe they might calm down in their final years. A terrible mistake, which I hope you will rectify at some point.

Maybe, if you did manage to detain them, you felt that giving them essays to do would bore them into submission. In fact, it has only made them feel they should write their own evaluative essays in the evenings after Maraudings, thoroughly detailing how they could have improved their last endevour. Is that what you were aiming for- finding ways to make our efforts even better? I presume no.

Admittedly, yes, I should have tried to do something to stop them, but I was trying to revise for transfiguration at the time (yes, this session is prohibiting me from actually working for the qualifications I have no need for, but want anyway) - aside the fact that it was quite funny. Snivellus upside down- did you see his underwear? The house elves need to do something about it. I certainly hope you have discussed it with them, as today's spectacle has scarred many people, including me.

I do try and uphold my duty as a prefect, but sometimes, when you've known people long enough, there's a small place in your heart that won't let you stop them from their current activity. That place kicked in today, under the tree by the lake. Could you blame me?

Ughh… I don't feel very well; I think I need to go to Madam Pomfrey's. Please excuse me from the rest of this essay….

(Teacher's note: Although Mr Lupin is currently indisposed (for the usual medical reasons), he will have to complete this essay at some point. As well as this, he will be returning for another detention to discuss his seeming lack of care for his position, and blatent disregard for the teaching staff as he runs rampant with friends, making our lives living hell- M. McGonagall.)


	4. Slapping Gets You a Detention

**Detention Essays**

A/N: What can I say- this story nearly lives up to its' title! For writing this essay when I should have been enjoying a lesson on trigonometry, I nearly got my book confiscated, and there could have been worse repercussions. This is how much I love writing these things.

Thatpinkrose, this one's for you, for being so complimentary in your review, as well as giving me the idea. Yes, it's time for Lily to have a shot.

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Task: Write a 500 word essay on why slapping people should not be used as a disciplinary action.

Oh, come on, Professor, I'm a prefect! You can't do this to me- I am fully justified for my course of action, which I will endevour to explain to you in the following essay.

I slapped Potter for several reasons. The first, but not the most important- he's been stalking me for years.

Second, I thought the shock of being hit hard by the person he 'loves' (or that's what he's told me every time he's asked me to go out with him) might stop him from being such an idiot. I mean, did you see what he did to Snape? That was unfair, and something had to be done about it, so I took it upon myself to do so- seeing as he'd only get a chance to evaluate his behaviour, and see how he could have 'improved' his behaviour, or that's what he's been saying in the common room all year. He and Black have been claiming to anyone and everyone that your detentions give you a brilliant chance to see how you could have made your misdeed even worse. Since this is my first detention, I can't compare it, but I'm glad to say that I don't agree. At the moment, anyway.

Yes, I did slap him. As hard as I could. However, it didn't really have the desired effect. The moron positively enjoyed it!

As I was inwardly celebrating- you see, that was the first time I've ever slapped someone, he was going all weak at the knees, and suddenly announced to the whole world how I had actually touched him, how much I liked him, and asking me how long I'd kept my feelings hidden. The incompetent, egotistical eejit! Then, he asks me out! Again! Honestly, professor, you should keep him in a permanent detention- it would prevent him from implementing his stupid jokes on any unsuspecting Slytherin.

Maybe, however, I could have done something else to stop him that would have been more effective. I could have, for instance, got him on a pressure point, or have prevented him from having children later on (most effective, if not unladylike.) However, he has been a thorn in my side for years, so I could have pulled Remus to one side and make him have a quiet chat with James, telling him that if he ever planned to have me as a girlfriend, he shouldn't make me upset by playing childish pranks on people. It might work, if his friend says something- even if made to by me. Girls can do that sort of thing.

Or, even more torturous for him, and amusing to me, he could undertake a particularly nasty detention, involving doing a 3000 word essay on a potions topic (he's useless at Potions- it would be torture), as well as having to tidy the library- another heinous activity for one who doesn't know their way around the place- except the restricted section and where 'The practical spells to torment your fellow students' is located- which, at some point, I do wish to burn, and remove itself from reentering the school ever again, for the sake of the students.

In conclusion, slapping should not be used as a disciplinary action because there are much more evil, and satisfactory, ways to do so, with better effect.

Thank you Professor, after a bit of mulling, I believe that these essays are good for evaluating your behaviour, and I should write them in my spare time, to see if I can improve my prefect capabilities. I can only hope that writing one of these has not made Potter, Black and Remus (the only one of them I can call by his Christian name,) more determined to improve their trickster abilities, as they would definitely be more of a threat to the safety of the students.


	5. A Little Too Much Information

**Detention Essays**

A/N- This one, admittedly, took some time to write. I had an essay all ready to scribble, and then, at the last moment, disaster struck. I couldn't write Wormtail successfully- I had no idea how! So, after deliberation, rereading the fifth book, smacking my head against the desk, here we have it. The penultimate detention essay.

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Task: Write a 1000 word essay on why you should never egg certain people on to do immature jokes which cause more harm than amusement to others.

1000 words? How am I meant to write than much? I've never written an essay myself before- I have a self writing quill. Whoops, shouldn't have written that- Remus will kill me.

I wasn't really egging them on Professor, only saying that it could be a good idea to turn the main hall into a quicksand pit. Everyone's OK now, aren't they? Apart from Snape, but then, he was standing right in the centre of the pit! That was good- I mean, the bat bogey hex was brilliant.

Have you seen Molly Weasley's Bat Bogey hex? It's brilliant- except when she puts it on you- then it's not very good. Wish I could do it as well as her- but I won't be able to ever. I'm not that good at hexes. Sirius is though- you saw it, didn't you? You looked like you were laughing at Snivelly's face. He was panicking like anything, it was so funny!

I have to say, Professor, you never seem to try and stop us, do you? Or that's what Sirius said. He said you wouldn't be able to- we're too quick for you old people, so you stand and watch, unable to do anything as they wreak havoc, and I…. distract. I'm a good distraction, you know, very versatile. James says it's the only thing I'll ever be good at in life, and it's good to have a talent- especially one as useful as that.

The results were exactly as Remus said they would be, too. You, and all the other teachers, watch form the top of the stairs, unable to do anything as anyone and everyone gets sucked in- except for the Marauders, who have craftily put wingardium leviosa on themselves to stay out of harm- admittedly, mine was a bit wobbly, but it did work- thereabouts… Then, after around 3 hours, the quicksand would be removed; we'd all get detention again, and Lily would slap James for doing it in the first place. There's then apparently half a chance that James would ask Lily out- and he did, so Sirius got 6 galleons from all his bets. Remus is so clever to be able to think out that kind of thing, isn't he, professor? Someday, I'll be as brainy as he is.

These essay things are really hard to write. I'm glad I'm never done one before- my exam work would be really bad if I did it all on my own, wouldn't it? I'm not surprised Crabbe and Goyle are failing at the minute- their writing is really awful, isn't it professor?

But, this brilliant scheme is nothing compared to the next one that James and Sirius have cooked up! We're going to do it at the next quidditch match, cause complete mei… mayyhimm… mayhem! That's it. It's so simple, you'll never guess. All it is is a charm on the balls you see, but we don't know which one to use yet. We've got a couple of weeks though, so it'll all be worked out- in fact, we have a planning meeting every Monday (that's tomorrow), so we can work it out then.

Of course, we're (or they're) all kings of planning. Remus can always get us watch timetables, and calculate risk assessment, chance of success and what the worst punishment could be- but, as James said to us all last week- you're not going to do anything worse to us than these essays, but I don't agree with him on the easiness factor of it. This is the most horrible punishment I've ever had to do, including scrubbing Snape's bedpan last year- not very nice. I'm not very good at writing or anything, but I can do some transfiguration- you saw that goblet I made, didn't you? Nearly all the facial features had gone- it was a very pretty colour scheme though, the ginger fur. I never thought cats would become goblets, but mine did! It didn't like the wet though. That was unfortunate- it hurt a lot.

Oh, Professor, I can't think of anything else to write. Please let me finish there….

(NOTE: As Mr. Pettigrew very kindly gave away enough information to cause some serious trouble to his companions, he, unlike them, will not have to do another detention next week. We can now also detain them for some reason every Monday evening, as so to cause less wanton destruction through the school, therefore promising the students more safety as they travel to their lessons, and indeed, after school. M. McGonagall)


	6. Dark Curses a la Marauder

**Detention Essays**

A/N- Well, here we are again- the end to another story. I hate ending things- but then, this couldn't go on for ever, I'd run out of rubbish jokes to throw in! As people have asked about there being a Snape one and I had no clue how to do it, I left it until last, but, with a splendiferous idea, here goes nothing!

Ah, before I forget, thanks, dudes, who so kindly told me they enjoyed my contribution. It means a lot to me… –sob-

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Task: In 1000 words or more, explain why dark magic that we don't teach at the school should not be used, even in self defence manoeuvres.

Dark magic, which is not taught at the school, should not be used even in self defence because you can never be sure whether you've taught yourself the spell right in the first place. However, having pored over these books for many a night I can assure you that I knew exactly what I was doing when I cursed that mudblood lover Potter (_HEY! DON'T SAY THAT ABOUT MY FRIEND, GREASEPOT! P) _To oblivion and back again. Even though he has not quite regained consciousness yet, give him a couple of weeks and he should be fine- not well enough for quidditch thoughmeaning we are sure to win.

_(YOU'RE A POOR EXCUSE FOR A WIZARD, SNIVELLY, MY SHOWER-CHALLENGED SLYTHERIN- WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU…P)_

Professor, I think you'll find that someone is using a protean charm to ruin my essay. _(It's much better than that, Snivellus, just you try and take the charm off. No way is your essay going to count, with scrawling all over it- M) _

However, since I knew exactly what I was doing, there was no risk to me, or anyone other than Potter, during the casting of the spell. In fact, it was completely foolproof, although, I could have struck the rest of their little group down too, if I'd wanted to _(I'd like to see you try, Greasy- W), _but this makes their suffering even worse, seeing as they're probably sitting holding Potter's hand in the hospital wing at the minute, praying for his safe return to consciousness _(YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO BE HELL FROM NOW ON, SNIVVY-PANTS- P)_. He won't remember who he is, or where he is, but he'll be alive, which is enough for me.

An unexpected after effect of said spell was Evans though. Normally, she'll stand up to them, in my defence, so I was expecting a 'serve-them-right' approach. Sadly, the mudblood didn't deliver. Instead, I now have a mark on my cheekbone where she hit me. It didn't hurt- I mean, when has a girl's slap ever hurt anyone- especially a filthy mudblood like her _(I'm going to get Lily over here, now you've said that. Let's see what our friend has to say about you- who, I might add, actually cried, with tears and everything, when she only tapped you- M)_, who can't hit to save her life. I heard about that detention she got- was it to teach her some better technique? I hope so- she definitely needs it.

_I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO BE POLITE AND USE BRACKETS. SNAPE, YOU SNOTTY-NOSED GIT, EXPECT NO MERCY! NEXT TIME I SLAP YOU, YOU'LL BE IN THE HOSPITAL WING FOR A WEEK! WHEN I GET HOLD OF YOU!_

_(Sorry about that- Wormtail's just gone to calm her down. I'd hate to be in your position now, Snivelly, and I could say much worse than she ever could except for the fact that a professor will be reading this, and so I should show some decorum. However, later this evening… P)_

Meanwhile Professor, I have a potion to finish, and an incapacitated student to laugh at. If you don't mind, I'll leave this document here for you to read, and I hope to see Potter's girlfriend and his group in detention some time soon- S. Snape.

(NOTE: Since I am fairly certain it was Miss Evans, Mr Lupin, Mr Pettigrew and Mr Black who were enchanting this piece of parchment, they will be in detention for the rest of this week. However, Mr Snape, for not finishing his essay properly, or even attempting to, will remain rewriting this work until it is up to a good standard. As well as this, for showing no remorse at his actions, he will also lose his time to write another essay on how to write a decent explanatory punishment essay for teachers.

As for the others, Albus, I've run out of good ideas to try and calm them down. I think a staff meeting is in order, to try and work out the next wave of defensive attack. Mr Potter, on this occasion, was not doing anything wrong when he was hit by the enchantment, so will remain in the hospital wing until completely recovered, with no repercussions- M. McGonagall)


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